Fears

Like many people I have fears. Sometimes I feel that I have too many, so I have never wanted anyone to really know me, not just how I grew up, where did I study or who my friends are. I'm talking about letting someone in, completely, let that person see your true self, your soul and heart with all the scars and wounds that you have and how you got them, some of us think we are just too broken and we think all this battles we have fought in life made us stronger, but also not so pretty or worth to be look at. We are so scared to be "Seen".

One of those big fears has been, of having the love of my life in front of me and not notice, because of all this damage and fears bad situations in life had left me. That at some point I became unable to feel, like if I made my heart get so strong that it became a rock. 
I always thought that I will immediately recognize him, just with one look, like in the movies where you are in a place crowded with your friends and suddenly this guy comes in and you get completely speechless, then you make something dumb like falling or drop someones drink and make a whole scene and he notices you and help you, and the moment both look into each others eyes, that's it, like immediately one soul connects to the other in a second. So I was always waiting and looking everywhere, waiting for someone to notice me. I'm not saying that is not true, it can actually happen, because each love story is somehow, unique. 

Now, I have found the love of my life, in some way it was like I always thought it would be, but on the other hand it was also how I was fearing it would be. I met him years ago, and when I saw him I knew he was different, the kind of man that you don't see much these days. Since the first moment we connected, we could talk about life, past, daily life, joke about everything, and we could just talk and talk and feel this connection. I always felt different with him, but I never knew why, I never took the time to think about my exact feelings for him, I just knew I didn't  want him out of my life, people could come and go in my life, but not him, I couldn't picture a distant future where he was not around. 

It took us years to notice we weren't just friends exactly. I can say at some point and sadly, I took him for granted, that he was just gonna be always there. Then something changed, we actually stopped talking, life got in the way and things felt distant between us, and I suddenly felt awkward, like I was going to bother him, not confident to tell him stupid things or things that were happening. I thought I had lost him and didn't feel like I deserved to be in his life anymore, he was just so amazing and I did almost nothing to keep him in my life. Luckily, as amazing as he is, he took the initiative of re-starting our relationship and put me back in his life, and I felt like this was a second chance, and I knew I wasn't gonna take our relationship for granted ever again. I realize how he never left my side, despite distance, life, different projects and countries, he has been the only man I had completely opened my heart to, without fear of being hurt and I realize, I didn't just love him as a friend.

Realizing how much I love him wasn't hard, it all made sense in my head, but telling him how I felt was the most difficult part, because there's always this huge fear of messing up the best relationship you have, loosing your best friend, the person who has always been there for you, the first person that comes into your mind when something bad happens and you know you need that person, you can't wait to tell him good news or cry until you have no more tears left while he is by your side telling you everything will be ok, that no matter the time, he makes time for you even if he is in the middle of his most stressing day, the person that listens and cares for you, that respects you and always thinks highly of you, who knows your soul and understands everything in your life and no matter what you do, he never gets disappointed, who makes you a better person in all areas. 

Like this quote from Gossip Girl says: "If two people are meant to be together, eventually they'll find their way back". We are lucky we found it, and even if he thinks he is the lucky one for having me and shows me how much he loves me everyday, I honestly think I'm the luckiest one for being loved and recently engaged, to my best friend.

So no matter how badly wounded and scared in life we have been, no matter how much we close ourselves, how lonely we think we are in life, what's meant to be in your life will happen. Be patient and don't let opportunities pass you more than once, because not only the bad but also the good things in life, they ALWAYS arrive. 

Dreams

Since we are little we dream of something of achieving or being like someone, we see artists, famous people on TV, read and hear about them or watch movies that impact us for the story, and we wish our life will be like that story, like a certain character or certain life. In our house we see in our family people we admire or a neighbor, there is always someone to admire and dream of, and one day, be like that person, or achieve what he or she has achieved.

But as we grow up, our dreams change, life changes, or better said, changes us, and everything with which we dreamed, from one moment to another seems just that.... A dream. So we call ourselves crazy for even having dared to think like that and we justify the thought by saying "I was a little kid, what could I've known about life," but we do not think that a little kid, with no worries, no responsibilities, limits or noise in her or his head, could think only and exclusively of what its heart desired, a complete pure thought, where you could assure that everything was possible.

Unfortunately the difference between "When I grow up" and "When I was as a child" is not only the change of future tense to past tense. In this process many things can happen, life can take unexpected turns where our heart can be damaged, limiting our ability to achieve many things for fear of being hurt again. More probably, realizing our dreams involve fully expose of our damaged heart. But in order to not feel that pain, that suffering, sadness or disappointment, we are willing to sacrifice those dreams without realizing also, that the sacrifice will cause us even greater pain for not seeing them fulfilled.

There is never an easy way to put yourself "out there" again, when you have been hurt so much and you know more your tears than your laugh. It takes time to get those feelings back, you can't push anyone to return to a normal life, because if something is true, is that after being hurt, you can never go back be the same. Those dreams we had as children, dreams without a plan to follow, where we had just an image or a thought of who or what we wanted and we used to base our whole life around this, those dreams never go away, they live in our heart forever. 
Like the eccentric character Katherine in the movie Under the Tuscan Sun  says: "Never lose your childish enthusiasm, and things will come your way". So never give up on something or someone if it makes you feel like a little kid dreaming and wishing upon a star, that for sure, is what brings passion to your heart.

Hearts

Falling in love is an amazing feeling. In my experience I thought I was in love so many times, but realizing wasn't exactly that, never took me long. I have always experience the same scenario: A guy likes me, he makes something to catch my attention and then we talk for like an hour or two, he gets my number and I wait for the message to arrange a date during the week.

Of course I give my number if the guy is cute, handsome and has an interesting life. But after so many heartbreaks I knew something was wrong with my formula.

Realizing is not love is not that hard, if you know your heart, you can find that answer easily, but if you don't know it, like me, you get fooled by your own desires and needs of the moment.

I think it also has a lot do with maturity, knowing yourself, what you want and how much do you love yourself in order to enter a healthy relationship and not just one that looks good on photographs. People can influence a lot in our choices "Is he handsome?" "Does he have money?" "Where does he live?" "Is his family good?" like if you could assure a happily ever after with only those facts. So how to find true love if it doesn't depend on looks, position, job or family? 

To me hasn't been easy, and I'm sure a lot of people agree with me that is really hard to find love, and I know my mistake was searching for a perfect outside instead of the perfect inside. Is the hardest thing in the world because for that, you have to commit yourself to actually wanting to know the person, his life, his interests, hobbies, flaws, habits good and bad ones, is everything that makes him: HIM, not only if he goes to nice restaurants or have nice cloths, or a good car. Love goes beyond that, and if we search for something real and not an illusion we need to be willing to wait, because knowing someone takes time.  But like a quote of the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower says "We accept the love we think we deserve". So love yourself in order to wait for the best, for someone who wants to know you for real, and is not a myth, people with perfect hearts do exist.

LOVE

These days I have been questioning myself a lot about love. Is a really small, 4 letters word. So powerful that, when used correctly and meaning it completely, it comes along with feelings, decisions, and can change someones life forever.

We all wish that at the end of the day, we look to the other side of the bed and see the one who truly loves us for who we are, with virtues and flaws. To be 100% sure that person will never go and leave us, won't run after someone better or better looking than us, that make us feel safe and sure that you have found a partner, a friend, a lover, a confident, for life not just for a few months or years. 

I wish it was easy to assure to someone that your love will be forever and that trough all the changes and highs and downs of life your feelings for the other person won't change, instead they will grow stronger. But like someone I personally admire for they way he thinks said:  "If you are lucky you find the right person for you just once in your life, and some people never find it". 

They say the most difficult thing is not to fall in love but to stay in love and in my opinion, I think if you fall in love with the heart, soul and essence of the person you will never fall out of love because those things can't be seen or changed, but if you fall for the looks then that will fade also with the love that was attached to it.

Hold On

I truly believe that every person has a story, a good one, it all depends on how positive or negative you are, like the saying "You can see the glass half empty or half full". Is all about perspectives, but sometimes the things that happen to us, such as tragedy, do not differentiate people from rich, poor, with education, values, ethics or being the worst kind of human being. Something in our lives happens that changes us, can be at any age, at any time and suddenly nothing is the same and you even question who you are. Those moments where we seem to be forced to loose hope, when you have nothing else, you are out of ideas, at the very end of the bottom of the sea, when you have felt life hitting you at your lowest point and you feel like you are about to give up and take that last breath, that's when you can see life more clear than you ever imagined, that last breath is when you can see what you love the most, so hold on to it, that's the reason to keep going, could be a person, or something you love or a dream you have not fulfilled yet, so don't give up, because whatever that is keeping you from running out of air just yet, could be the only thing that saves you and help you to find the strength to continue, like I always say: Don't leave the cinema in the middle of the movie when all the problems arise, wait until the end, you never know what kind of ending it will have.